Barb's Perspective

Winds of change

2010-10-15T16:47:00.003-04:00

Have you ever stood in the wind - just stood there? Felt it on your face, blowing through your hair almost feeling like it’s surrounding you? Have you ever had the wind take your breath away?

Sometimes the wind is a gentle constant breeze ever so slightly touching our skin, blowing the leaves on the trees. Other times there is a momentary gust that takes us by surprise causing our hair to blow and taking our breath away, bending the branches on the tree. Sometimes the wind blows so hard it takes all our strength to just stand and it tests the roots of the tree.

I think emotions are a lot like the wind no matter what the emotion: happiness, sadness, frustration, confusion, anger, love, hate, disappointment, etc. We never know how or when the wind is going to touch us.

At times they are just a gentle constant breeze - always with us. Gently stirring our heart. Just a part of our every day life. Always somewhere with us but never causing change just like the leaves on the trees blowing in the breeze.

Sometimes they rush to the surface like a gust of wind. They catch us by surprise taking our breath away, tugging at our heart causing us to try to understand them. As we bend like the branches we learn to navigate those feelings.

But sometimes when we least expect it they hit us hard. They touch our hearts deeply. They disrupt our daily routine. They test our roots.

Over the past couple of months my winds have been gentle, no rushes, no gusts. I was enjoying that, but then winds of change came and came with a gust - not quite a gale force gust but still a gust. But you know I am OK with it, no I am more than OK with it, I am happy the gust came. My roots are strong and my heart is filled.

2010-09-17T16:32:00.005-04:00

“One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time”

A great quote I saw on a local flower shop’s sign. Goggled it to find out what wise person said it but it seems it is from an unknown source.

The definition of time according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary -

a : the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues

b : a non-spatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future

Each of us is given 24 hours in a day - no more - no less. What we choose to do with it is up to us. Maybe that time is spent “doing”; actively doing the things that need to be done. Maybe that time is spent “being”; listening, watching, thinking. Or maybe that time is spent not doing, not being - wasted?

Lately I think I have been wasting a lot of time.....

My roller coaster

2010-07-15T20:42:00.003-04:00

Taking the next step and it is filled with anticipation, excitement and relief. But I am also finding it filled with something else - sadness. Words seem to be the gift I have been given and so I am going to use them to work through the next several weeks.

The last 60 days I feel like I have been on a roller coaster - like the Fahrenheit coaster at Hershey Park

Heart pounding, palms sweating, excitement tingling through your body and the slow ascent to the top of the hill begins, pause a moment and then comes the plunge down the other side without even a moment to realize the swiftness of the descent. Then only to be thrust into a spiral and end up upside down and back right side up again. Can’t forget the series of mini hills with each one your stomach does flip flops until you reach the slow down.....

Putting my house on the market, having my oldest graduate, selling my house the day I took Andrew to West Virginia University for new student orientation, frantically renegotiating the sale when the home inspection came in and then when the appraisal too low; oh and don’t forget trying to find a place to live on short notice ~~ this has been my roller coaster. (and I am pretty sure that is a huge run on sentence)

Through it all I was focused on the end result. A place to live, to call my own. The next step in my journey. Only today that focus was replaced with something I wouldn’t allow into my life over the last 60 days - emotions.

Packing the house today I was over come with a sadness that has consumed me. The mere act of keeping it together until now has drained me Now the release of all the emotion has left me with wet cheeks and heavy eyelids.

My house, the one I have raised two of my children since birth in and one since he was 3 will no longer be my house on the 22nd. I know, I know a house isn’t a home and my home will follow me where ever I go but it is still hard to think of it as someone else’s.

The memories are forever in my heart and mind and will follow me. The next house will become my new home until the time comes to make a change again. So for now I will allow myself the time to remember, laugh and cry. The day I walk out the door for the last time I will look ahead and not back - I’m not saying it going to be easy though.......

True friends

2009-06-28T23:26:00.005-04:00

My intent was to blog about friends. True friends ~ you know the kind of friend who loves you for who you are ~ the kind of friend who is there anytime of the day ~ the kind of friend who laughs when you laugh and cries when you cry ~ the kind of friend who tells you the hard stuff and then picks you up, dusts you off and walks beside you through that hard stuff.

Somewhere along my thought process for this blog I realized that this was about much more than true friends. It is about two special people who I respect and love. Both have been placed in my life for similar yet totally different purposes. They have been through my good times and my bad. They have laughed with me and cried with me. They help me see that I am not the reflection I see in the mirror. They give me strength when I don't think I can stand on my own. They are just there for me.

I am blessed to have these friends in my life. I am not sure if I would have made it this far without them and don't want to go forward without them. There are no words to say how deeply I feel.

I love you two!

2009-05-14T23:27:00.004-04:00

Wow it's been a while. It's been hard to put together the thoughts in my head. Just seems to be a stormy season.

I know just like the storm tonight it will end. The rain will stop, the lightening will cease and the thunder will quiet. The sun will come out. Everything will be washed clean and smell fresh.

That's what I am holding on to - the end of the stormy season....

We all need somebody!

2009-04-18T09:39:00.004-04:00

I haven't blogged since my transparency - still struggling - haven't turned the corner yet but I know someday I will...

I found this video last night (late, late, late last night, actually early, early, early this morning).

Everybody needs somebody - boy have I needed somebody over the past four months.

I am truly blessed to have not just one somebody but somebodies ~ somebodies who call me on the carpet when I mess up, who tell it to me straight, who believe in me, who pick me up when I fall down but most of all who love me for who I am.

I challenge you to take the time today to send a text, send an email, or call to tell your somebody that they are your somebody. Don't put it off, don't wait ~ cause we all need somebody Y

Mirror, mirror.....

2009-04-07T15:22:00.008-04:00

Mirror, mirror on the wall … who is the fairest of them all? I am sure all of us has either said those words out loud or thought them when we look in the mirror. For me the answer goes something like this....

The mirror answers in my voice … certainly not you –

look at how fat you are, look at those wrinkles, and that hair……

We all know someone who feels that way. Maybe it’s a friend or neighbor – a niece, an aunt, your daughter, or maybe it’s you. For me, it’s my reflection in the mirror, my voice answering what - are you nuts - it certainly isn’t you!

For as long as I can remember I measured my self worth by whether or not I had the right hair cut, the right clothes, the right weight, or the right boyfriend. I could never be “good enough”, “thin enough”, and “pretty enough”. What made me think I could measure up?

That’s when it began - that emptiness in my heart. I yearned to be loved – to be seen as beautiful. The only way for that to be is to have perfect hair, great clothes and a killer body – after all that is what the media says.

As a teenager I stood 5’8” tall and weighed 115 pounds. I was to skinny for most but not skinny enough for someone to love me - at least that is what I thought. If only I could fix myself…that’s when I began skipping meals. At first it was just breakfast. I would justify it by thinking I don’t really like breakfast food anyway.

When that wasn’t enough I started skipping lunch. My mom would pack me a lunch and I would stuff it in my locker. I would come home from school and eat everything in sight until bed time. Then I would feel guilty, worthless, and weak and I would start the whole routine over.

By the time I was in college I had convinced myself that I was ugly. That the only way to find love was to be what I saw on TV, in magazines or in the movies. I would go days without eating. If someone asked me about it I would make an excuse or "pretend" to eat. You know push the food around the plate, take a bite or two.

Don't get me wrong there were times where I eat - eating like there is no tomorrow - binge eating. Each time after a binge I feel even worse and beat myself up.

Genesis 1:27 says “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

Wow – God created me – in His image. He sees what no one else can. When he looks at me he sees the beauty he created; the woman that he knit together in my mothers’ womb, the person who is wonderfully created. If we are created in God’s image how can we be anything but beautiful?

In Nicole Johnsons’ book “Keeping a Princess Heart in a Not-So-Fairy-Tale World” she writes…

“God tells us that he knew us in our mother’s womb. That he smiled at our birth and he knows everything about us. That he sees our aspirations and our dreams, our struggles to keep our hearts from pretending or denying. He tells us that he knows us, even better than we know ourselves. And best of all, he knows something beyond what we know: He knows what he is calling us to become.

At this crossroads, then God whispers something in our ears that can change our hearts forever. The Lord of the universe, the Creator of heaven and earth draws near to our hoping, trembling hearts and whispers one word: princess.”

Can you imagine – Gods calls us princess. He calls each and every one of us princess. Wow I am a princess… a princess.

Circumstances change, years go by yet I still struggle with the same feelings of worthlessness. Only now I find myself eating or should I say not eating even more frequently. I still see a completely different image staring back at me. I wish I could see what others see. Just once I wish I could look in the mirror and say "wow look at the princess God has made me to be"

I look forward to when my day will start something like this.......

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of all?

The mirror answers in another voice, God's voice… why you are.

I say but, but..... the mirror says – Princess you ARE beautiful!

And I say "Yes I am"

Where do I go from here?

2009-03-12T21:29:00.003-04:00

How many times have you asked yourself that? We all want to know which way to go - how to get there and what will it look like when we get there.

The answers we seek may be directions to specific places or what the future holds, but what if that question can't be answered until we get there?

There can never be one answer because it will always depend on which path you choose to venture down. There are always choices to be made and those choices influence where we go - whether it's a job, a relationship, a friendship, a move - you get the idea.

I guess the first step to finding out "where do we go from here" is just that taking the first step. Being bold enough to go forward instead of waiting until all the questions have been answered because they may never be and we may miss an opportunity.

I am not going to sit and wait for the answers - I am going to take the first step and find out "where do I go from here"

Moutains

2009-03-10T21:28:00.007-04:00

We all have mountains to climb. We can choose to freeze at the bottom, look for a way around or just put on the hiking boots and start climbing.

Taking that first step is always the hardest. Looking up we think we will never reach the top. We can't find the next foothold. The ground beneath our feet is rocky. Sometimes the soil just gives way and we have to hold on until we find solid ground.

As I stare at the mountain before me I have to believe that at the end - when I reach the top and look back I will see that the climb was the journey - the summit the reward. The road may be flat before us but eventually we all come upon another mountain - another chance for a journey.

An unbelievably awesome friend - someone I love very much shared this song with me. As she said, "I don't normally like Miley Cyrus but in this song she is wise beyond her years" - I love ya Christi

Where's the lifeguard

2009-03-08T17:18:00.010-04:00

During the past week I have had two conversations with wise people. It's been one of those weeks where I needed to lean on friends.

During the first conversation I was reminded that I can't let people get inside my head and that is exactly what I have been doing. Allowing them to pressure me to think the way they want me to. Everything from thinking my blogs are dark to the state of my head and heart. Not any more. It is time to listen and process but not let it consume me.

The second conversation happened today and I have been thinking about it all day. A friend who is wise beyond his years offered this analogy when I told him I am walking in a spiritual desert - far from God - that I had turned my back.

He said think of it like a swimming pool. The kind that gradually slopes down from the shallow end to the deep end. I have been playing and swimming in the shallow end for a long time. Slowly I began to move toward that deep end. Not really noticing I was going down that gradual slope until I no longer could reach the bottom. My footing was gone and I was treading water.

I am tired. I am having trouble treading water. I am slowly going under. The lifeguard - God - is right there. All I have to do is cry out and he will save me. But I can't or won't or don't remember how. So here I am still treading water - getting more and more tired - but STILL remembering the lifeguard is always on duty. I just need to call out...

Insomnia

2009-02-26T05:14:00.005-05:00

Insomnia - "inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp when chronic; difficulity in falling or staying asleep; restlessness"

I love to sleep - I just can't - well - I can fall asleep usually fast but I don't stay asleep. Some nights are worse than others. It is frustating to wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning and lay there in the quiet.

Most times I just stay in bed listening to the sound of my breathing. Eventually I fall back to sleep. But not last night- I stayed in bed tossing and turning with a zillion things racing through my head. Don't get me wrong I would fall back to sleep only to wake 10 - 15 minutes later. I finally decided to just get up.

So here I sit in the darkness, the only light coming from my laptop. Listening to the silence, my heartbeat, any creak or groan the house has to offer and the thoughts racing through my head ~ I am not sure how to return to sleeping.

This stinks!

Thoughtfulness

2009-02-17T16:48:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was my daughter's 10th birthday. Wow I can't believe she is double digits now.

On Mondays (yesterday) I work basically from 9 - 9. So I couldn't spend the whole day with her but I get a break in the middle of the day and we decided we would go out to lunch - Max and Erma's one of her favorites. It was a lot of fun.

After I went back to work she went to Dave & Busters with her father, brother Chris and his friend. Unfortunately none of her friends could go but she had a great time.

About 7:30 she called me at work all excited. That kind of excitment only a 10 year old can have. Her biggest brother - Andrew - had just returned from a trip to Shady Maple and brought her a present. Not just any present but two stuffed monkeys. She LOVES monkeys!

When I got home from work she was holding them tightly. I asked if she thanked him and with a grin from ear to ear she said yes. She didn't put them down - she slept with them and this morning they were still right by her side.

Andrew's thougthfulness is amazing. He seems to know what makes people happy and with out any reminder or suggestion from anyone will buy a gift or do a favor or do a random act of kindness. He is there to listen when a friend needs someone.

What would happen if everyone in the world took his lead. Thought of others, sensed their needs, gave unconditionally. What a wonderful place this would be.

Andrew, I do not have the words to explain how proud I am of you. You touch many peoples lives and make them better.

When I slip will you help me?

2009-02-17T16:34:00.003-05:00

Someone I know suggested that my blogs lately have been very dark. I would have to agree.

It is a product of where I am in life right now - in this very moment. I am not sure I can explain why I am here or when I will get out. I have figured out that the darkness that surrounds me has consumed me.

It is impossible to climb out from the dark abyss if that is all you are focused on. Here is a portion of an email I sent to a friend recently...

"I am sitting here curled up under a blanket with my tea listening to the wind. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking of the ugly in my life. I realize I have neglected to see the good things. Things like my children who love me, the fact that I am healthy, that I have really good friends, that in this economy I have a job, and that I have people in my life I care about. People who make me smile, who always seem to know when to call, who take my mind off of life.

Not sure when I got so negative but I know it's only pulling me down. So I have decided to stop. I am going to be thankful for the good in my life. I am pretty sure I will slip now and again but I was hoping you would remind me of the good stuff. Will you? "

When I slip will you remind me of the good stuff?

Cold

2009-02-08T16:22:00.004-05:00

The sun is shining brightly today. The temperature has warmed up. So why do I still feel so cold? This is the kind of cold that permeates every inch of your body. A cold which occurs in darkness. A cold which frosts your heart and soul ~ that separates you from the Son.

No that isn't a typo - it's the kind of cold that only happens when you feel disconnected from God. God hasn't turned His back on me - I have lost my way. Somewhere along this journey called life I forgot that God's love is unconditional. I began to feel unworthy of His love. I ran from His arms instead of into His arms.

Today during worship I was reminded that He is there waiting for me. I am not sure I know the way back. I am sure I still don't believe He is waiting with arms open - how could He be - not where I am at this time....

Maybe this song from Three Doors Down will help explain where I am at this moment in the journey called life....

I will keep you posted on my finding my way back.

National Wear Red Day

2009-02-06T18:32:00.005-05:00

Relief

2009-01-31T20:34:00.006-05:00

I was searching for quotes on different subjects and found this...

~ We all need a little relief now and again ~

Golly "G"

2009-01-23T19:23:00.001-05:00

My friend Jenster posted this on her blog.

Rules: If you want to play, leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on...

1. Grandparents - my grandparents are all gone but I have wonderful memories of time spent with them and I love the relationship my kids have with theirs. What a wonderful way to learn from very wise people.

2. grace - without God's grace we are all lost

3. gifts - I love not only the kind of gifts that you can touch but even more the kind you can't. You know the unexpected kind word - a gentle hug - extra help just when you thought you couldn't go on

4. Gap - one of my favorite stores!

5. gem - the bigger the better - what woman doesn't like gems

6. girlfriends - I have the best girlfriends - they are always there when I need them and when I don't. Life without girlfriends is like life without grace!

7. grin - who doesn't love to smile or for that matter love to see someone smile :)

8. guitar - I love music although I am more partial to drums but that begins with d

9. gab - Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to talk!

10. God - because He loves me unconditionaly and is always there with open arms waiting for me.

Sooooo - who wants a letter?

But I really need it....

2009-01-22T16:52:00.009-05:00

Have you ever wanted something so badly it consumed you? You know like when you are a kid and wanted that special toy. You had to have it - if you didn't you just knew you would die.

Everything you did revolved around getting that toy - trying to explain to your parents why you needed it - always pointing out when a commercial came on about it - talking about your friends who had just gotten one - even resorting to tears if necessary. You thought about it all the time.

Most of the time you didn't get it and amazingly you didn't die. If you were lucky enough to get that special toy you probably played with it for a short time before it either broke or started collecting dust somewhere.

It amazes me how even after growing up we can still be consumed by wanting something. That thing may or may not be good for us. It may or may not be necessary. It may or may not change our lives. We may really want it or we may only think we want it but yet it consumes us.

Every waking thought becomes about how to get that ______ (you fill in the blank). We find ourselves day dreaming about it. We talk about it - trying to convince ourselves and others how much we need it. Once in a while we are even driven to tears when we can't figure out how to get it.

"I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want, (we think we want it)

than Take what You give that I need" Hold Me Jesus

Why can't we just take what God gives us - after all he knows what we need!

Grace

2009-01-19T16:14:00.004-05:00

As I sit here watching the snow falling I keep thinking about how beautiful it looks while it's snowing. The white flakes falling freely from the sky. Every flake different. Each one not knowing where it will land but together creating a blanket of white covering everything it touches.

It's as if God is sending a blanket of white to wash away all my sins. Covering them in His grace. Just like the old hymn says,

"Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe; sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

I am holding on tight to this!

Taking a deep breath - and liking it!

2009-01-13T15:10:00.017-05:00

Today was a definite turning point in 2009. Sometimes in life we get to a point where we feel like we are going in circles. Each day is just like the last. We're not sure where we are heading or why.

I've been there for quite a while now. I thought I was listening to where God wanted me and changed the focus of my serving. Still I felt lost - trapped. A friend took this picture and wrote these words which explain the very way I was feeling ...

12/365 no way out

"There is nothing like feeling trapped. Trapped in yourself, trapped in a job, trapped. Just trapped.

The funny thing is most of the time the glass isn't that thick. It's easily broken with just a few slaps. It might be worth a few cuts, a little blood. You might get out.

Isn't it worth getting out?" Gail

Today - though - I broke through the one of those panes of glass. It was a pane I have looked at for months but didn't know how to break through. Breaking through was as easy as listening to what God was saying ... Now is not the time for you to try to do My work on earth but a time to let Me do my work for you ~ hold you, restore you, be strong for you, love you like no one else can.

So today I stepped away from my leadership role in Student Ministries at my church. After finishing the final things I needed to, having conversations with key leadership people (they are more than leaders they are my friends) and turning in my keys I walked out of the building. I took a deep breath and felt the air rush into my lungs - I held it for a moment because I feel like it is the first deep breath I've been able to take in quite a long time. I think it is the first of many this year and I can't wait!

When words fail

2009-01-05T23:02:00.006-05:00

I don't like it - no I hate it when people I love hurt.

I get so frustrated when I don't have the words to help. I just want to make things better. But sometimes when a friend is hurting there are no words of comfort. Words of wisdom only seem to be cold. Words of love don't seem to ease the hurt.

So what to do? Love them through it. Hold them when they need to be held. Pick them up when they fall. Wipe their tears when they come. Pray for them. Just love them!

Depression hurts

2008-12-28T09:30:00.004-05:00

I am sure you have seen the commercial about depression. You know the one that says "depression hurts". Well it does. It also affects all you do and everyone you interact with.

This has been a difficult time for me. I can dance all around looking for answers to why I am where I am but the answer is I am working my way through a darkness. My actual diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder but that is for another day when I am ready to be a little more transparent.

I've struggled with depression for a while. There are up times and down times. The holidays are always hard but this year seems to be even harder. I am not sure why and I may never know why.

I do know that there are four things that keep me going; God, my children, the knowledge that brighter days are ahead and good friends. The kind of friends who don't judge, who love me for who I am. Friends who are always there, who sense when things just aren't right and those friends who will spend a full day sending text messages back and forth. Thank you!

If you are struggling with depression reach out, seek a good therapist, surround yourself with people who care and RUN to God. He will hold you in his arms until you can stand on your own again.

Blank pages

2008-12-09T09:45:00.005-05:00

Sometimes the words just are not there. For me that has been the last two months. I have spent many hours sitting in front of my laptop only to shut it down without having typed one word. I have spent equally as many hours trying to figure out why the words have gone.

I thought, "maybe blogging was not for me" only, this was affecting more than my blogs. Anything I needed to create was blank. There had to be a reason - maybe if I just tried harder...

No - what I needed to do was to focus. Not on where the words went or why they went but put my focus back on God. There I said it. I stopped putting God first. I was so caught up in "me" that I pushed "Him" out. It was just about that time when the words dried up.

It's amazing what happens when you lose your focus but even MORE amazing what happens when you get your act together and refocus....

Seeing the forest through the trees

2008-10-06T21:58:00.007-04:00

Sometimes it is so hard to see the forest through the trees that we forget why we were looking for the forest in the first place. I now know I not only couldn't see the forest but I had completely lost the reason for looking.

By not looking I found what I was looking for - the why. The why I first became involved in Student Ministries. The reason I have stayed so long. So much of my time and energy went into trying to figure out why I was involved in Student Ministries and where I fit that it became just another thing I did.

Don't get me wrong I still put 110 percent into everything I did. It just became routine. A sense of obligation, a duty. I intellectually understood the urgent need for such a ministry but I no longer had that passion in my heart and soul for or belief in why I was serving in Student Ministries.

I found the forest by walking away from the trees. By taking the time to stop looking for the answers I began to feel that passion again. That why.

I now have a clear view of the forest. I am excited about the future, energized and ready to dig in. Stay tuned for what that forest looks like. I can't wait to share it.

If you are having trouble seeing the forest through the trees - take some time - stop looking for the forest and somehow it will find you.

I'm back!

2008-09-24T21:48:00.009-04:00

After taking some time off I'm back. I took time to work through the questions weighing on my heart. I don't have all the answers but I am confident I do have the strength to work through the rest. It may take some time - intraspective, honesty with myself and patience but in God's time I will find the answers I need.

Parents and Youth Ministry

2008-09-02T10:31:00.003-04:00

I am looking for a little give and take on this one. If you are, were, or in the future will be or may be the parent of a student in 6th - 12th grade who is involved in a Youth Ministry program I have a few questions.

1) What things would you like to be informed about?
2) If you could ask a youth pastor any question what would it be?
3) If you volunteer what are your reasons and if you don't why (just wondering)?
4) What form of communication would you prefer?
5) Would you attend meetings? If so how often and what day of the week?

Thanks for all your help.

Bowling

2008-08-30T22:07:00.003-04:00

Step one of traveling down another path - I was clueless. Lucky for me I don't have to wander around in circles, I have someone - or should I say someones (I don't think that's a word but it works) to help.

A wise friend, Frank, the interim Director of Student Ministies at CCV is helping me to navigate my journey. This week he used a great metaphor to help me understand what a small group facilitator does and how he is going to help me take that first step and the rest to follow.

Picture a bowling alley - without guidance the ball may or may not hit the pins and may or may not end up in the gutter. Add bumpers and the odds of hitting the pins increases to 100%.

I have been trying to hit the pins for a long time. Asking myself where my passion lies, where God needs me to serve and where I will land. Now that the bumpers are in place I am confident I will be able to answer those questions.

So .... step one ... I am taking 3 weeks off from my usual duties. Taking the time to regroup, refresh and renew. At the end I should be one step closer to answering my questions.

Decision

2008-08-25T20:19:00.003-04:00

The question that has been on my mind - what path do I follow? The current one - aka the safe one or do I venture out of my comfort zone and take a new path.

I've been standing in the middle of the intersection for too long. It's time to move ahead. God is nudging me to travel down a new path. I am not sure what lies ahead but here goes.

I do know that God will be with me, that I have people who will help me and that this won't be the last time I stand in the middle of an intersection. With each intersection comes the opportunity for growth.

I am inviting you to follow my path - each twist, turn, hill and valley. I think the journey is going to be an adventure.

Direction

2008-08-08T15:05:00.011-04:00

I seem to be at one of those places were the path ahead of me isn't straight. There are different paths to follow. Which one should I take? Each one is unique but all have a common theme - doing what God needs me to do - but which one?

Should I stay on the same path - forge ahead - continue course but is that just the safe path? Continuing to do what I have been doing will probably yield the same results as it has been yielding. That may not be a bad thing. Maintaining a little stability.

Do I take another path? Am I ready to try a new direction - is it time for change? But which direction? There is more than one path ahead. How do I know where to go? What if the path I choose is a dead end? How will I know if I am on the correct path?

There are so many questions - I guess I will have to follow God's lead, trust Him and know He will always be there to guide me.

Letting go...

2008-07-31T18:57:00.003-04:00

On June 29th my friend Patti and I drove our son's to Albright College for 2 days of rehearsals before their trip to Europe.

Maybe I should back up and give a little background. In October of 2007 Andrew's band director selected several students to participate in the American Music Abroad Honors band. This was an opportunity of a life time. Not only had he been selected for the band but he would be able to explore a whole other world.

Andrew and his best friend Matt decided to take this opportunity to spend 18 days touring France, Germany, Austria, Belgium and Luxembourg. They would perform 8 concerts including one on July 4th at Omaha Beach - how cool is that!

They saw the Eiffel Tower, the Palace of Versailles, and Dachau. They took a gondola ride to a glacier in Rattenberg, had a dance party in Westendorf, and had a day at Europark in Strasbourg. They took guided tours at each new city and had time to explore on their own.

I am not sure what kind of em0tions my son went through but I certainly went through many. I was excited, nervous, scared and proud.

The thing that took me totally by surprise was how much I was affected by his leaving. I knew it would be hard to send him off, but I wasn't ready for over a week of tears every time someone asked me about him. My heart ached and in some way felt empty. Someone asked me if this was so hard what is going to happen when he goes off to college. I am not sure but maybe I should by stock in Kimberly Clarke.

I started thinking about how God feels when he watches his children leave his arms. Does he cry, does his heart ache and feel empty? Does he run after or wait patiently for us to return? The parable of the lost son best answers that - even though the son left, the father welcomed him with open arms. God's love is patient, and He is waiting for us with open arms.

Christ in Youth - MOVE

2008-07-28T21:05:00.008-04:00

My second "event" of the summer was CIY's summer conference MOVE. On June 23rd we loaded 4 fifteen passenger vans with 37 students, 10 adults and enough luggage for 50 people for a 10 hour drive to Milligan College in Tennessee. We got off 10 minutes late but that is a record for us.

About 1 hour into the trip we needed to make an unscheduled stop. One of the students was ill and decided to place the contents of her stomach all over the lead van. Glad it wasn't mine! We decided that the lead van would wait until the student's mother arrived and would then set off to catch up. The way we figured it they would catch up to us sometime during our lunch stop and they did.

The rest of the trip was uneventful and we arrived at Milligan College in time for registration, dinner and unpacking.

The week was an unbelievable experience for the students as well as the adults. Every day started with a main session that was followed by Encounter time - a time to spend alone with God. It is an awesome sight to see all those students spread out on the campus, silently reading, praying and thinking. The worship band incredible, the food - well college food need I say more, the speakers thought provoking and this years mission - Rapha House. Words can not describe the video that was shown - dry eyes were far and few.

The week included intense ultimate Frisbee games, a dodge ball tournament in which our two teams faced each other in the 1/4 finals, a hike to a beautiful waterfall (Laurel Falls), four baptisms - one in the falls and one in the snake creek during a storm - two back home, a student making the decision to go into missionary work, lots and lots of stairs, laughs and tears and a time for the students to bond.

On the way home we got stuck in traffic and I mean stuck. I-81 was closed for 45 minutes due to an awful accident. So being on a youth ministry trip what do we do - park the van and "play" in traffic.

CIY summer conferences are always intense but I wouldn't miss them for anything. The only bad thing is they have to come to an end.

Still

2008-07-25T20:40:00.006-04:00

I spent the day doing something I haven't done in - well - let's just say I don't remember the last time. I was still.

Being still doesn't sound like a hard thing to do but I never seem to find time to just be. There is always something to do, something to think about, something someone wants or needs, words I think I need to say. Life always seems to get in my way.

When I let life stand between me and being still I am the one who loses! I can't hear what God is trying to say to me. I put Him on hold and go about living, thinking that I'll get around to listening later or that I already know what God has to say.

Lucky for me God is patient. He knows I will run dry. He waits for me to just be and that's what I did today.

I floated on a raft in my mom's pool for over an hour. Not talking, not thinking, just laying there feeling the warmth of the sun, hearing the birds singing, being rocked by the gentle waves ... listening.

I was reminded that life goes on with out me - that no matter how much stuff I cram into a day the only thing that can refresh me is to be STILL and let God talk to me.

One of my favorite songs says it better than I could. I invite you to check it out - "Still" by Watermark.

1st summer happening - Ben and Katie

2008-07-22T20:59:00.005-04:00

When Ben and Katie asked me to host a party to help them celebrate their wedding I was thrilled, honored and humbled. See Ben is like a son so I guess that makes Katie a daughter-in-law. Ben and Katie were married in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Many of us were unable to attend and they wanted share the joy of their marriage with friends here in PA. I couldn't provide sand or surf but we did have plenty of sun and heat!

Of course I didn't have to think about saying yes, that was a given, but shortly after saying yes I realized the date they picked was 2 days before CIY. Not to mention the fact that my oldest was off to Europe as soon as we got back from CIY. Yikes - can you say STRESS! All the food, planning, cleaning, decorating, evites, did I mention food and cleaning?

It all came together. Everyone brought their favorite side dish and I am currently working on a cookbook for the newlyweds! I promise Ben and Katie I will finish sometime before your 1st anniversary.

There were intense volley ball games, good eats, great conversations and plenty of fun. I think the day was a success.

I love you guys!

Busy summer!

2008-07-14T22:52:00.006-04:00

Where does time go? I can't believe I haven't blogged for 2 months. Shame on me. Time to change that!

What a summer so far! It all started with a party to help to two awesome friends celebrate their marriage. Sun, sand, fun, food - ok not sand but lots of sun, food and fun.

Two days later I set off with 37 high school students and 9 other adults for a week at Milligan College for MOVE - Christ in Youth's summer conference. It was an amazing trip. Five days full of worship, discipleship, quiet time for prayer and fun.

Less than 24 hours after we arrived home I finished packing for Andrew's American Music Abroad trip to Europe and took him to Albright College for rehearsals before leaving. They left on July 2nd and arrive home this Friday! I miss him!

While Andrew was having fun in Europe I was helping to prepare for Christ's Church of the Valley's annual middle school conference - STRETCH. This year's theme was Full Circle. We had 600 plus students over the three day conference. When I have the DVD I will post it.

That brings me to today. A day off to try and catch up before I begin helping with Kids' Camp Big Top. I know it's going to be BIG!

Look for future posts about each event - complete with pictures and great stories.

Play ball!

2008-05-16T09:45:00.001-04:00

My son Chris loves baseball and I mean LOVES baseball. He reads everything he can about baseball; magazines, books, stats. He watches everything from Little League through Major League on TV – even reruns of old games. His room is filled with stuff from his favorite team – I won’t go into who that is, I will just say there is an abundance of blue pinstripes! He wears team shirts almost every day. He is rarely without a ball cap and almost all of them are from a baseball team – one in particular! The amount of baseball cards in his room could wallpaper the entire room, walls, ceiling and floor. I think you get the idea.

He has been struggling with hitting this year. I mentioned this to the pastor of our church and gave me some advice to pass on. He told me to tell Chris that as he enters the batters box to look at the infielders, pick someone to be the recipient of a line drive chest high and laugh when then drop the ball as he is running to first base. I was skeptical but passed the advice on and Chris seemed to start connecting more. Chris isn’t a speed demon but he was knocking in RBI’s even if he wasn’t getting on base. The more he connected the more his confidence rose.

Last night though was a night to remember. His team was down 2 runs going into the bottom of the third inning. They managed to tie the game and held the other team scoreless in the top of the fourth. In the bottom of the fourth they loaded the bases and Chris was up to bat. This is the time when my stomach starts to churn, my palms get sweaty and my heart starts thumping. Usually I have a hard time watching.

A group of parents were sitting in the benches in left field for the best view of the game. I had just said to my husband that there was a huge hole between the left fielder and the center fielder and now would be a great time for Chris to hit the ball there. Just as I said those words I heard that unmistakable sound of an aluminum bat hitting a baseball. I looked up to see the ball heading right down the third base line, heard my husband shouting something about it being in there and watched the ball hit the top of the fence and drop just inside the fence. It was a base’s clearing double which put his team up by 3 runs. Chris came within 6 inches of hitting his first homerun and it would have been a grand slam! They went on to win the game 7-6.

What a hit! What a night!

Stuff

2008-05-08T11:59:00.001-04:00

Stuff. We all have it. You know that space you really don’t want to open it may be a drawer, a closet, or in my case the basement. Isn’t it funny how fast we accumulate stuff?

Less than five years ago we rented a dumpster. It was full of stuff that was broken or of no use to us or anyone else for that matter. Over the past two weeks we have been cleaning out the basement again! I am amazed at what is down there. The furniture from the nursery – my youngest is 9, the cabinets from our kitchen, which hopefully will be hung for storage sometime before I am 100, and our old kitchen table which of course is in pieces so we could move it downstairs. Even if someone wanted it I am not sure we could find all the pieces. Clothing from when my boys were only a size 8 and believe me that hasn’t been for years! Cake baking pans which have accumulated so much dust it looks like I painted the storage bin a pale shade of grey. Just stuff.

Why do we save things? Is it for the what if’s and the some days? Maybe it’s for the memories. What ever the reason all that stuff takes up room leaving us with clutter and in some cases disarray.

Lately I have been saving/storing a lot of stuff in my heart. Stuff that I should have let go of long ago. All that junk has filled my heart and left little room for life. It lurks in there waiting for just the right instance to grab hold of me sending me to a place I would rather not visit. Leaving me preoccupied with all that stuff so I can’t hear what God has to say.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Be still – eliminate the clutter – make room to hear. AH HA!

Why?

2008-04-04T20:08:00.005-04:00

Why does God put people in our lives for only a period of time? You know the ~ some people come into our lives for a reason, season or life time ~ I am pretty sure I dislike two of the three!

I don't let people "in". For more years that I would like to admit I have built a fortress around my heart. It is very high, guarded by an army, and surrounded by a moat. Get the picture. I have been working hard at building a bridge over the moat, calling off the troops and adding an entrance. Quite a few now have crossed the bridge, not quite as many have gotten past the troops and only a handful have actually gained entrance.

This past week two of those who have gained entrance have been called to serve God somewhere else. OUCH! Instinct set in and the door has locked, the troops have been called back in full force and the bridge has closed until further notice or at least until I have had time to grieve and process.

I may never know the answer to why God needed them somewhere else when I need them here. Maybe I am not supposed to but I do know I love them and will miss them so much it hurt.

Friends

2008-04-03T00:09:00.004-04:00

How do you know if someone is a true friend? That is easy...they are willing to come over even if you don't ask or can't talk about what you needed a friend for. Tonight I found that out. The reason I needed a friend - well - that will need to be a later post when I have had time to process.

The lesson I needed tonight from God was that there are people in my life who are true friends and it is ok to rely on them. They are there for me when I ask and even when I don't. They know when I am hurting but don't speak it, they know when I need help but won't ask; they just know me.

To those friends I say thank you!

Faith/Trust

2008-03-27T15:10:00.003-04:00

Sometimes - well most times - God needs to use the good old swift kick in the pants or the brick upside the head approach with me. It seems I had forgotten something and it was time for my wake up call.

In the last three weeks I have been faced with opportunities which have required faith. Each week offered another opportunity to have faith that God was with me. Each another brick, another kick.

The first week my oldest went for his driving test. Every parents fear, well at least it was mine. My child will no longer need me to taxi him around. He will now have freedom. All this went through my head before I even picked him for his test.

As he drove to the testing center I kept reminding him of every little tip I had ever heard. As we were just about there he said, "I think you are more nervous than I am." Scary thing is he was right! I needed to have faith that he was ready, that all the practice hours had taught him what he needed to know and that God would be guiding the way as he got behind the wheel both during the test and each time in the future.

Two weeks ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and began a blog. Talk about having to rely on faith. Without having faith that God would guide my hands, send a support system, and provide words I would still be stuck in that comfort zone. Not seizing an opportunity to grow. Once again scary.

Today my oldest had his wisdom teeth out. Talk about faith. I must have asked God a thousand times to keep him safe, to guide the surgeons hands and for a quick recovery with little pain. Then as I was driving it hit me - that little feeling in my gut. You know that quiet voice inside that reminds you God has it covered. God was with him, the surgeon and me as I waited.

This one was the scariest. I don't mean Andrew having his wisdom teeth out, I mean the fact that I had forgotten that God was with me. I thought I was "going it alone". Had I been relying on my own abilities and not trusting God? Had I felt alone? Did I forget God was always with me? YES! That little voice inside said, finally. Now it's time to stop going it alone and time to trust, time to have faith and know that God is always with me.

This week I am committed to memorizing, meditating on and living - Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." So if you see me ask me how I am doing.

Just

2008-03-18T20:41:00.007-04:00

Have you ever thought of yourself as just a ______? You fill in the blank - mother, father, wife, husband, friend, volunteer the list could go on forever. I think we have all felt that way one time or another.

Check out this article I found about being "just a volunteer". After reading it let me know what you think.

http://www.youthspecialties.com/articles/topics/volunteers/dont_ask.php?

Happy reading!

Time to grow

2008-03-13T14:38:00.006-04:00

"You must do the things you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt

Today is the day I start doing things I think I can't do; like creating a blog. Yesterday with the help of Matt (an awesome Youth Pastor and Mentor) I created this blog as a way to inspire and share my own perspectives about life and all it has for us. It has taken me until today at 3:30 to actually gain the courage to sit and write.

Stepping out of my comfort zone isn't always easy for me. Each time I step out of that zone it gives me the opportunity to grow, learn and have faith that God is beside me. So the journey begins and I am glad you are along for the ride.